Tuesday, February 14, 2017

DREAM: My boyfriend and his twin brother

The crazy dream last night that I had about my boyfriend.

In my dream, my boyfriend had an identical twin. That's already freaking crazy because he doesn't have a twin. (Nick Jonas doesn't count though -hah!)

Things were the same...we still had Emmitt, nothing changed. I still visited his Moms every weekend.

One day his twin brother tells me how much he likes me...and...in the dream, I had some sort of lusty feeling towards him too...so we had sex. It happened so fast.

The next morning he tells me that he was going to tell him what we did, and that we were ' in love' and going to be together from now on...

My head was spinning with panic!! Instantly I yelled at him...

" WHAT! NO?! ?ARE YOU CRAZY!!!"

I was buckling my shirt back on, whilst begging the universe for redemption.

He kept chatting and chatting like a maniac.
" We can still have sex....and if he sees us, then it's okay...who cares?
He isn't with you anymore, you're with me now"

It felt as if he had always been competing with his twin....

He wanted me to agree with him...that things were going to go, as he said things would.
But I couldn't.....

I couldn't visualize myself being his......because my heart was taken.....

I betrayed the only love in my life, for a night of lust...
I could feel myself losing him with every buckle on my shirt....my hands trembled with
the fear of never kissing him again....

Tears ran down my face...I  couldn't believe I had done that to him, after all that he's done for me. After all the love he has given me.

" No! I can't be with you!, I don't love you, I love him! You can't tell him any of this. Please!"

...........He sat on the bed with his head tilted down....and said..

"just go..."

.....Fourty years later......Alberto and I have our 40th anniversary of being together.
He proposes to me.....At that moment in my dream, I was happy we made it through...

He hands me a box and tells me that I have to put my fingers inside the box, and that it will put the ring on my finger. And when I do that, it puts a card-board ring on my finger....
Alberto laughs hysterically and says..." Did you actually thing I would marry you!? My brother told me what happened! Did you think he would keep that away from me!?"

.....so....there was no happy ending...haha....
Then everyone at the party started talking about the brother....
They were saying he had gone lunatic....everyone was scared of him, and no one had seen him, in those 40 years....just heard stories of him....

My dream ended with his brother being in an asylum, laughing like a crazy.

......CRAZY ASS DREAM RIGHT?!

..............................................I know it was just a dream, but oh my god, it made me feel so horrible to cheat on him in my dream....to hurt him like that.. :[

................I know many cheaters.....and I cannot understand how they can betray
someone in that kind of way. It's wrong. It's so wrong.



Things that are weird about my boyfriend- yet i am glad i find it weird

What I find so weird about my boyfriend- yet, I am glad I find it weird.

He's never technically been heart broken. I mean, he's had times where his heart hurt I bet- but
he's never been dumped hardcore by anyone. Isn't that weird!?
Usually in everyone's lifetime, they get dumped a few times, or in my case a shit load of times.

Well? technically, I've been dumped 3 times by a boyfriend ( one of those dumps was like 3 times by Alberto himself!). And...I had a lot of rejections where the guy wasn't interested in our dating going any further, so DUMP.

In my time, I have rejected 3 guys...out of...like....9....omg is 9 a lot?
That was including my 3 boyfriends in my lifetime.

Anyway.....I bet Alberto has dated and rejected more girls in his lifetime.

But, i'm glad it's weird that he's never been dumped...because heart-break hurts. I wouldn't want anyone to go through that.


ALSO......his childhood was far different than mine.

He's never experienced verbal and constant physical  abuse as I did when I was little.
His childhood wasn't violent....his Mom and Dad are like SUPER NICE.......
I can't picture his parents yelling at him and making a big deal.....
Growing up....my parents made anything little an extreme deal- we got punished for something everyday.

His parents never divorced...mine did.
...he's probably never been in a physical fight.....or bled from a punch...???

Did he cry a lot??....Did he hate the world?...

ALSO........I find it really weird, that he doesn't like...movies that are REALLY SAD or have a lot of violence in them. I do. haha....In fact, those are my favorite movies to look at.
And....I can tell his older brother doesn't like those movies either....
I don't think anyone in his family does.....

I started to realize this, when I was happy one day, to come home, to see a sad movie.
Because I knew, at his house, no one would want to look at it...or be interested.
So when I was watching it....I was thinking to myself....
" OH MY GOD!? IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME?! WHY DO I LOVE THESE KINDS OF MOVIES.....AND THEY DONT!?"

I felt guilty and ashamed.....of liking to watch others in pain. WAIT! let me clarify!
It's not because I LIKE to see people in pain-  it's because I can relate to their pain.

and who doesn't like to relate? I always feel like I can understand them, in the movies.

No one is ever alone....the world is a scary place!

I mean, depending where you are at, because.....I don't think my boyfriend has ever been
in a scary place in his life...haha....

And......it's weird to me, that he's like...untouched?
But....I like that he is untouched.......no one should be in a scary place in their lifetime.





Kaleo- way down we go




If Alberto can sing, I think he might have a raspy voice like this.
Except- HE CAN'T SING! haha. He's so horrible at it- it's cute.
Argh! Ilovehim..

Old Mc.Donald, had a cow, E I, E I, ooooh...it went Moo Moo there' everywhere Moo Moo...

I've been putting Emmitt to sleep at 9pm. YAY!

He had the most horrible sleeping time ...and I take the blame for it.

I never set a bedtime for him. I let him sleep whenever he wanted, not when it was 'best' for him to

sleep.

It took about 40 minutes to get him to sleep. So....he technically went to sleep around 10 today.
I guess I should set bedtime at 8? so he can get sleeping at 9!

There are REALLY REALLY good days where he would fall asleep at 8:30 or 9, without a struggle.

I like those days haha.....except, those are the rare days.....today he put up a fight and kicked me in the nose so hard- I swear that kid kicked my nose  back straight again!

I said, " ow! That really hurt" and shoved my face in the pillow so he wouldn't see my Wimp face.

I almost wanted to throw a tantrum I think- it really hurt!

That's when I miss my boyfriend the most. My team-mate who is there for me-always.

If he was there, he would have laughed at me, but he would have shoved my face into

his manly chest with a pat on my head saying, " better now?"....


It's always better:] I like when he does it....I can feel his heartbeat and all his warmth.
It's like when a guy gets motor-boated with their girlfriends boobs- I'm sure they feel much better after getting their faces jammed into soft cushions of warmth.

I would assume that's the same feeling?

In other words- my boyfriend will never understand that feeling, because my motor-boat
skills are out of order.

I have no boobs. Not even enough fat to make one breast alone. HAHA!!!!!!!!!!And, I'm not even a warm person? haha.....I'm always cold.

damn...........................he must really like me.

I feel kind of bad now. I made myself feel horrible.
I was happy today, I had a good normal day, and now my night is shifting to sadness.
........aren't girlfriends suppose to be cushiony and warm :[? I mean....my stomach got cushiony after having Emmitt.....but my boobs aren't? They shouldn't even be called boobs...haha...just nipples.
.....why couldn't I have boobs? I was in elementary and day-dreamed of having them...with a red dress on, and a fast car.....my hair looked flowy....and all the guys jaws dropped when they saw me.haha....it's so weird that I never let that image go- it always stayed with me....
I looked really hot in my vision as...what I might look like as an adult.

Now that I'm an Adult....I mean....well... no one takes my age serious.
I don't like being told I look young. One thing is looking young...like the youthful kind....
and another is....looking like a kid.

How is looking like a kid, hot at all? It's not hot.

If I had boobs, I think I would look much older. Boobs do that to you!!!

My cousin who's in 8th grade is getting bigger boobs than me -__-
I just hate when she shoves it in my face....hah....hurts mahhhh feelings...

On the Brightside.....I still have an amazing boyfriend. I didn't have to have tits to get him.
:]

That's some love right there ladies'....... ( telling that to my nipples)

I remember when I had some boobs though....when they were filled with milk :'[
I felt good all the time when I put a shirt on:] They made me look real good...even though I was bloated looking- actually....still bloated....so....forget that I made me seem "skinnier' just now. haha....

I'm a cute little cow. My current weight update. A cow with a pink bow though:]
Yeh' know- not just any damn cow-but a cute ass cow.




Monday, February 13, 2017

John Suchets my bonnie- how dementia stole the love of my life




I would cry everyday if Alberto didn't remember me.
It would hurt knowing he is there physically....but NOT THERE emotionally with me.
I would miss him! I would miss him being a smart-alec and making all the jokes, telling me I'm beautiful and that he loves me.
He says he hasn't heard of Alzheimers running in his family- but he can still get it with old age.

UF researchers find that peanut butter test can help diagnose Alzheimers Disease





Cool! I will have to test it out when I'm not sick anymore.

My Grandma is getting Alzheimers right now :[ I don't want to get it EVER!

please not my brain!

Sunday, February 12, 2017

with my favorites!

Today, Alberto liked pho'! :]

The last time we ordered pho, we had take-out, so I guess it wasn't the same.

When we had take-out the last time...I remember him saying, " It isn't even hot"...

Sooooooooooooo, now that he had some again, it was FREAKING WAY TOO HOT!!!!

I've never had pho' that was so hot that way before.

It was WAY TOO HOT!!!!! uncomfortable Hot.

And THEN, we had a lot of fun outside with Emmitt when we arrived back home.

We played soccer, and it was fun:]

And as always, an exhausting day! Kids really do suck the energy out of yah'.

But then again......having a kid makes you realize how unfit you might be.

Which is a good thing! because it's fixable. There's always a solution to everything.

Right now, Alberto and I are both on the same page of ' feeling good about ourselves.
We want to get back in shape:]!





Sunday, January 29, 2017

25 years.

I will be 25 years old this Sunday coming.

Excited. I'm excited to be that age.....that's the age I've always told everyone, I couldn't wait to be ( if they happened to ask)

......I've always felt like great things would come when I'm 25.

I've felt it in my bones.

Now let's see how good my intuition has been...haha

What am I doing for my birthday? idunno.

I said long beach, but I'm going to think about it.

Maybe I might end up picking barnes and Noble? Idunnno! hah.

Like....it's JASS' a birthday. No big deal.

I hate birthday hugs. I don't like getting them from anyone, EXCEPT, just le' boyfriend.
And Emmitt too, when he understands how to give hugs back.

It's just so awkward?....I hate waking up in the morning getting happy birthday hugs from
my siblings and my mom.....and sometimes my aunts if they find out.

Have you ever slept LONGER....ON YOUR BIRTHDAY!!...because you didn't want to wake up
to happy birthday hugs!? I have!!!!....

I try to avoid it the most I can. I've tried hiding!!! haha.....

It usually never goes as planned, but I bet it would feel great, if hiding ever worked.

I told Alberto, that he was the only person I expect and look forward to getting a  birthday hug on
my birthday. It's not awkward, and....I like hugging him.

Then I gave him a  stare like saying''''' you better give me one' I EXPECT one! Don't you dare be sneaky now!  ....

I'm super sure he knew what I was saying, because he couldn't stop laughing.


He knows all the time what I'm saying with just. a stare. It's like he can read my mind!
For the most part, I know his stares as well. haha....

I think his most frequent stare says...." Did you smell that?- Did you smell something?"
HAHAHAHA

and..." did you hear that??" HAHAHAHAHA!










Snow, for the first time. An exhausting long good day!

OH-MY-GAH!!!!!!


I have the sweetest boyfriend!!! and Emmitt has the coolest Dad!

He took us to Mount Baldy to see the snow!

It was Emmitt and I's first time EVER to see it!! and to touch it!!!

It was so much fun-although the time there was so quick.

SO MUCH FUN!

I didn't feel like I was in California anymore...like at all.

It felt like I was walking in the world of the Elves and Santa Clause ? haha

It was unbelievable. I will never forget it.

I'm so lucky :0!!! it makes me sad that he can make me burst with SO MUCH happiness.....because.....is it fair?

Is it fair that some people feel super happy, and others don't?

Why me?....why am I a lucky one? --- that's what I tell myself all the time....

but I also tell myself....

It's okay to breathe and to feel all the happiness in the world. You are not wrong or a bad person, for
feeling so happy.....That's all you've ever wanted right? Stop freaking out- it's okay.


....In case you were wondering about why I feel like a bad person for feeling so happy ...

it's because, I have so much happiness....and I know a lot of people who are close to me, and need it more than I do....and I can't share with them....the feeling of happiness, that my boyfriend
gives my heart.....
It sometimes makes me feel guilty for being happy with him....because I know those people
are probably in a situation, where they are not smiling, while I am.

I shared some of my thought with Alberto about this. Because it really bothers me.
....

I let it get in my way sometimes....and I know I shouldn't.






Saturday, January 28, 2017

Right now, I am losing the challenge haha...but it's still early!!

Right now, Alberto has been losing some pounds....and I'm over here

eating like  a fat ass...

I haven't weighed myself? haha!

so I'm hoping I haven't gained anything.

I've BARELY been working out....but  YES! I've been consuming my Tea- So I'm very happy with that...

February is coming!....My birthday! and....definitely will be working out extremely

MONDAY. This Monday...

I can't let him beat me.

I have to show him how competitive I can be.

Right now he's really confident about the challenge...and i'm happy that he is...

But, I get obsessed when I have my mind onto something.

If I want it, I'm going to get it. I always get it.

I'm going to win....I know I am.

So......it's okay that he thinks he's going to win:]

I haven't been to my weight since having Emmitt.

So....My goal is back to 104. BY MARCH.

IVE BEEN FREAKING LAZY!

um.....I'm going to do, what I would usually do.

I would workout everyday about 15-20 min. Drink about 2 teas..
Drink a fruit smoothie....

I can still have pizza and whatever I want to eat as long as I workout everyday.

Um.....if I cant reach my normal weight by March 22nd. I think my normal weight after having Emmitt would be 120 then.

But......I'm 120 because I DO NOT WORKOUT. I gave up....I gave up on that, after having a kid...haha.....YES I can feel my body get lazier and lazier....and it's annoying that I do not have the same energy as I used to.
Working out gave me that energy- I really need it back.

Those 15-20 minutes a day....mean a huge lot!

I wasn't going hard on myself either. I was just moving my body in a lot of motions

that felt right. You pick a good song, and you swirl to that rhythm. And then, add dumbbells, some jumping jacks...some kicks, some jumps, some up and down movements...

Take a lot of breaks. As Many as you need.

And workout in front of a mirror......it makes a difference.

Zayn, Taylor Swift- i dont wanna live forever

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

taste buds gag

I'm grateful my taste buds gag with the thought of alcohol.

I'm grateful I'm not curious about smoking anything. I'm the only Non-smoker from my family.
Well my mom? she doesn't smoke either...and my dad? well i think he's trying to stop.

I'm grateful i don't do either :] even though being a non-drinker makes you an outcast....

I hope Emmitt wont be curious about smoking because there will be no need too.
That he will take on the trait of  being  a non-drinker like his Momma haha...but....
I kind of doubt that.
If he drinks, he can go to the bars with his Dad you know? and if he doesn't drink, we can both
go out for some coke-a-cola:] and have the best-est chit-chats together.

Yelawolf- best friend ft Eminem

May sound crazy to you, but

I want to be a gestational surrogate Mother.

I already talked to my sister about this, and she says I'm crazy. She says there's no way in hell she could ever do something like that.

I don't think it's weird at all,  I don't think it's scary...

To me, it feels normal? like...no big deal.

Babies are like little Angels....and if there's a little angel in heaven that needs help to be Born into this world because his/her parents need help...then OMG!! WHY WOULDNT I HELP!?


Having Emmitt made me open my eyes to a lot of things. I look at life through a different perspective, than i did, when i wasn't a parent at all...
He gave me Mommy eyes....

I remember saying i could never in my life be a surrogate mother because it was weird....

but...

The mom in me is saying i Would like to help someone have their baby.

It makes me extremely sad, if Emmitt will not have a baby brother or sister....
because i worry about his feelings....i worry if his wondering would hurt?

And....i also could imagine THE HURT.....of not even being able to have a baby, no matter how badly you want a baby. That breaks my heart...

It hurts me, knowing there is someone out there, who wants to have their own baby...but they have
trouble conceiving a child.

.......so.....if someone needs to "use" my womb....to carry their baby for them....
Why .....or how can i say no to someone who needs that help?

I need to talk to Alberto about this. I would do it NOW like right now! but...i don't know
if he'd rather have me wait until we move out ( in like 3 years).
I would appreciate his full support. So, i guess, whenever he's READY for me to carry someone else's baby...haha
I need him to be SUPER ready. Not iffy at all.