Monday, October 17, 2016

Edward Sharpe & the magnetic zeros- Home

Home is whenever I am with you..

yesterday- unexpected sleepover

We had our pumpkin carving yesterday!

It turned out really great. It was the best pumpkin carving Alberto and I ever did!

Our other pumpkin carvings from the other years that passed- really sucked. hah...

We also had an unexpected sleepover.....I felt bad for him.....

He slept on the floor, while Emmitt and I slept on his comfy bed.

The next time I see him, we will be shopping for Emmitts costume!

We have a really simple idea....

You know the Brawny guy???

We just need a red-t-shirt...

Emmitt the lumberjack.!

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Emmitts birthday and pumpkin festival

God gave me an upgrade.

I feel better.


Last night our texting made me happy....

He is definitely trying to fix things- make me trust him again....

He said all he wants is a chance to make me happy again..

I also apologized to him....because I can come off really angry on my blog.

He reads my blog sometimes..... I was kind of warning him I guess.....that he was

going to read a lot of steamy mad stuff....

I don't want it to stress him out or anything.

I've told him many times this is like my diary....

I have to write to feel better....

If I don't write how i'm  feeling on the inside....then I might go crazy keeping

it all inside...

It really does help....

I told him on text that although I was still bothered by everything that happened...
that I know in time I could trust him again...

He was happy with that.

That's the part where he said, all he wants is a chance to make me happy again.

So that was really great..

I feel like he's a little bit different though?

He's been saying a lot of little things that he definitely wouldn't have said before....

one of them was, " I don't want to lose you"...

and that he is happy to have a chance to make me happy again...
Wait. What's going on??????

Did God upgrade my guy?

Did I finally get my wish from heaven? A guy who will hold strong, to stay with me.

Even when I told my sister the part where he said, " I don't want to lose you"

Her face was like, what? can you repeat that again?

In real life she said, " Wait...what? he said that? oh Wow."

Even to my sister it sounded a bit odd.....ha...

I was like, " I know.weird right? He wouldn't have said something like that to me before.."

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

disconnectinggggg nowww

Feeling disconnected.

I'm not happy right now.

I  trusted him you know??????!!!

I dont feel like we're the same anymore.

I kind of hate him. I hate him for hurting me.....

and when I talked to him about it...he said

" Well I dont regret what I did"

" You're the one who has a problem."


..........I told my mom about it....she was listening...going ' mhhmm....mhmmm"...

She said it wasn't right that he went to her house late at night....especially since he falls

asleep for the most part when we go to his house, with Emmitt...she also didn't like the fact that he

went out with a girl, alone. She said it was disrespecting me....

she said, " He has time for her, but not for Emmitt?"

I told her it wasn't like that....I said he see's Emmitt when he can....but she told me to stop defending him....

Then she said.....that he needs to mature a little bit more. That he isn't thinking

like a proper man, would think. He puts himself first still...

I guess.....well maybe....he will understand more when we actually move in together.

Because he wont be going out the way he so freely thinks he can....Nu-uh...sorry buddy....

You have your kid at the house. I'm not going to take care of his (our) son

alone, while he goes out with his friends....

We can take care of him together.

And in his freedom......he will understand that as a PARENT,

in your FREE would want to

- go to the bathroom alone in peace

-shower alone

-take a nap

- Get everything done around the house that you couldn't because your kid is nagging at you every second for attention

- watch tv!!!!

- read a book! anything liberating!!!

.............................because no. He doesn't actually understand any of that, now,

because Emmitt lives with me....

yelawolf- tennessee love

" I'd never let someone straight up disrespect you"

....oh I wish I was told that.....

So hot when your Man has your back.

It's like..." oh my savior"....wink wink...

The chainsmokers- dont let me down

Nothing happened? lol

So I just got out of the shower...

and my hair looks the same!!!!!! HAHA!

OMG, now I know why girls hate their dark hair....

because it's hard doing whatever color you want with it.

I mean, well unless you use bleach, but I ain't bout' to touch that shihh...

-__________- so much for all my effort.

what will my hair look like tmrw morning?

I'm omber'ing my hair....

I'm hoping for a soft caramel....

I'm also not a hair coloring professional.....but I like to think, that for the most

I have always done fine.

I've always colored my own hair.

I used to have a style that looked like ombre hair...BUT it really wasn't intentional.

I was blonde, and I was just growing out my hair....

A lot of girls asked me about my ombre hair...I told them I didn't do anything...

I was growing it out...and they didn't believe me.

I had a girl once ask if my roots where my color....I said "yes"

she said, " oh really? its a nice color..." chestnut brown blended really nicely with lighter colors.

I used to have blonde streaks in middle looked nice.

Um....except right now i'm not chestnut.....i'm dark brown....

so i'm kind of worrying about a lighter color going with dark brown....

that's why i'm hoping for caramel...bcz caramel would blend nicely with dark brown.

But i'm not putting bleach on my hair? so maybe it really will be caramel..

health plan

.............So I started my healthy diet yesterday..

it consists junk, except chocolate...

Because yesterday I did eat the whole chocolate bar....

.....Chocolate is mine.

AND, I did my fast cardio.

It consists of dancelike movements that speed up my heart like no other.

You know you're doing it right when you're sweating...with a flushed red face.

If my abs aint burning- then i'm not doing it right.

And my eating consists of......home cooked meals. haha...

Yup that's it !

Suppah easy stuff...

still upset and forever will be until he show me different.

............I'm still pist.

Any guy wanna be my best friend?

Let's go out. I like soda... ice-cream....boba tea...


If a guy wants to hangout me with me because they will be here in LA...

I always think " hmm what I like it, if Alberto did  this to me with a girl?" you know, I like to place

myself in the situation...

and the answer is, no I wouldn't like it.

So if I wouldn't like it, then why would I do something like that

to him. ????????

That's what the considerate thing for a partner to do, issss

he thinks..." hmm? would linda like it? probably not, but I do whatever I want anyway, so who cares

what she has to think. She doesn't control me."


You see our differences....

So......I'm not putting his feelings into consideration anymore....because...

in honest truth.....does he for me??? No NO, he doesn't.





And him!? loyal?! kind of  not really.....

the last time I had a problem with a girl, he did stuff with her two weeks
after he dumped me.



i'm not stupid.

When I feel something aint right, it's because it isn't.

I told him last night the only way he could fix , me trying to trust him again,

is for me to SEEEEE IT WITH MY EYES.

None of that words shit.

Words don't mean anything to me anymore....

You can be like, " but I love you" and break up with me a week later.

Shut up with words.

Dumbbullshit .

Actions speak louder than words.

And so far I aint liking his actions.

I'm actually feeling kind of weak right now.

I'm supposed to be the strong one between the two of us.

But fuck! i'm tired of always being the anchor.

Always taking shit up the ass to KEEP THE RELATIONSHIP!

MAN! I cant always be the strong one!

It's kind of not fair!

I'll take his bullshit and figure the fuck out how to get passed it,

but I can't always be doing that!

it takes a lot of energy to get passed it.....

They say don't think about the past....

but overall....his past says a lot about him....

Man, do you know how many times he's left me!? like 4-5.

Does he know what its like to get broken up with?!

no one has ever left his lucky ass...

He doesn't know what it feels like,, that's why its so easy for him to do it.

Because I know when I breakup with his ass I aint playing.

And MANNNNN....was he a good liar.....

Dude, I know too many liars.

all my sisters ex boyfriends. Especially her most recent ex. He's fucking gross.

He's a big ass cheater, and surprisingly, he doesn't have HIV from all the nasty girls.

Shit, even my ex-boyfriends were fucking liars.

I'm tired of liars.

I aint dealing with one.

He said he'll show me ............and I swear i'm trusting him that he wont

do anything stupid. So if that trust is broken....then

I don't think I can be with's going to hurt but I think i'll have to leave him.

Whats a relationship without trust? nothing -____-

You can be like, " sweetheart, I'm going out with my boys"

and be fucking a bitch....

That's why you need TRUST and honesty....

Because then....everything is a lie.....

he can be like, "  I love you so much" but then, " I also love my side-chick too"


This trust and honesty thing between us, or actually between him, needs to get fixed.

I'm probably the most trustworthy, and honest girlfriend he'll ever get in his fucking life.

He better not be taking that shit for granted before karma give him a lieing, cheating ass bitch.

Because ladies and gentlemen....that's how karma work...

Karma makes you feel something you didn't understand....

what he do to me, will return back to if he says, he supposedly cool with it,

then brace yo'self just in case...because no, you don't know what it feel like.

Sunday, October 9, 2016

partner for life

It seems our communication skills have improved by a lot....compared to the past years'

that we've been together.

Yes, I was extremely upset last night....OMG, I didn't get any sleep.

I was awake and being a crybaby -___-

Making the scenarios in my head on the dramatic side...

This morning he picked us up around 9 in the morning...and i was

very quite in the car.....

I didn't feel like talking- i was still hurt about everything

He broke the silence in the car and ended his words with...

" babe,...... I don't want to lose you"

and then said he wanted to hear what i had to say about how i was feeling...

he said i could take my time.

So i did, when i felt most of my tears go away, before i started talking.

Obviously, throughout the whole time i was talking with him, i was

being emotional about everything- i was spilling my heart out...telling him

how many boundaries he had i felt disrespected by someone

who should be there for me, and have my i for him...

I told him a bunch of stuff...and he listened :]

I guess you can say....everything was okay when we finally arrived at our parking space,

for the pumpkin festival.

The greatest feeling i had....was how the situation didn't get out of control...

I mean, last night it was bazurk...but it was the heat of the moment...and

with that kind of was good we had a night of think about everything, before

the morning.

I remember before...sometime before Emmitt was born...literally everything

would get out of proportion....and it wouldn't get fixed....every problem would

pile on top of one another..

Our communication didn't really exist haha....

but i'm so glad we got there.....

This situation only made us stronger, i think.

I could feel his happiness in us getting it through.....and i mean, i was happy too.  haha

It's a reminder of how much we love one great

it is to have each other in our lives. We don't want to lose what we have come to....

We've both been through a lot least for me, now more than ever,

i love him.

He's my best friend.....he's my partner for life...for ever


And omg! he apologized......when he said he was sorry about everything...

I looked at him and smiled...he said, " why are you smiling??"

I told him it felt good to hear him apologize....because i didn't think he would at all..

i didn't expect an hearing one, felt great.

ben howard- promise

bebe rexha-cry wolf


i will diagnose myself- sweetness saves my life.

So....I think I have low-blood pressure.

One of my aunts has high blood pressure and she was fainting and shit...

so I was like, " do  you need soda or something sweet, maybe chocolate...because that's what I need when i don't feel good?!"

she said no...but then my other aunt over heard me, and said,

" that means you have low-blood pressure..just  like me"

i told her nah because i got checked when i went to the doctors...

and she said that it took them 8 years to finally tell her....even though shes always known.

she said i would have to keep going because it can be dangerous.

I guess she has some pills for it??

My aunt went to vegas a week ago, and ended in the hospital because of her low-blood pressure.

She walked too much under the sun...


i fainted really bad once under the sun, waiting in a stupid long ass embarrassing.

but its never been drastic enough for me to go to the hospital..

um, and i cant work moving really crazy all over the place then having to stand

for long periods of time, because i will slur in yo motha fucking face

because my speech is going wacko and my vision is going crazy directions...etc.

OMG! those faint spells hurt as hell.

To me, it feels like I'm dying haha.....because the pain in my stomach is
excruciating.....then you want to, you get really hot..then really cold...
...really want something sweet because for some reason your body knows
its what you need to feel cant stand...your vision goes away...
everything you see is going up and down...and to the cant even see straight...
then with whatever you are looking at....picture seeing black bulbs all's almost like static pictures...smudges of paint...when people are talking to start faintly hearing them...then out of nowhere you go into mute...then sound comes back and its like cant even hear what theyre saying because cant hear them...and TWO...the pain hurts, so that's the main focus...theres no way you can ignore what youre feeling, even if you tried.

I remember when i fainted too much at work....i told my mom something was definitely wrong
with me....and also because everyone was like, " omg! you need to go to the doctors"

but when i did have my appointment with my doctor...she said,
" oh don't worry hunny' its all part of the pregnancy"

so,....i guess she diagnosed me that fast?haha... mom was like, " NO! something is not normal with you- we got to get you checked" was like dumb...and it never happened....

I've been having these faint spells way before i was even pregnant....

that's how i know, it wasn't the pregnancy...

So....if i faint again, i will make sure to get checked fo real.

But, honestly, this doesn't happen just random.

It happens if I'm standing for a long period of time....or standing in a long period
of time under the sun.
Tis' all...

I'll just tell my babe.....' get that snickers bar ready when we go hiking!"

he said we will go to some mountain...forgot what it was called...

but its a lot of walking...under the

romeo shit

I remember he threw in my face that I couldn't get someone, especially because I have a kid.

I don't know if he said it to hurt me...or if he was serious?

but.....I had a lot of guys in the line for me, when I was pregnant as fuck.

And, they really liked me.

Two of them were actually really good looking guys...

and boyfriend material.

I was just like nahhhh.....because I had wanted to fix things with my baby daddy.

Luckily, I did...

but if he leaves me over this broad, "because their friendship is so special"

and tryna be Romeo and shit like..." you cant break us apart" drama queen like.

" I cant be with you if you will be upset that I hangout with her at her house past 9pm..."


I don't need you, bye.

Can't meet me somewhere in the know...communicate!

then bye!

He cant be leaving me every time something gets shaky....

if he leaves me tomorrow....then he did it because she is more important than our family.

and i'll be like...okay

I will just need you to actually baby sit for the first time and take days off from working because

I will have to start my new life, without you.

Wanna split it evenly!? fine with me! he can sleep at your house too.

I'm being like dramatic right now, but sweet jesus, this feels so good getting it off
my chest.

I like my blog tasting what my mind wont shut the fuck up about ,when  I sleep.

okay, ima get off this old ass laptop.

I'm pist as heck....but I know me, I wont be mad tmrw.

just like BLEH.

like -_____- "cool, pumpkin"

" yep, sun is out"

this is a phase, or at least it better fucking BE!

I have other things to focus on.

better things.