Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Good things

Hey y'all...

Yes, I know. I haven't been writing.

A lot of things did happen- good things.

A bunch of them were when Emmitt and I hangout with Daddy, For sure!
In one of those days...He had given me the sweetest card...:]

I really didn't expect that from him. It's what really made that card
a million times more sweet.

As a family, we had checked out the Anaheim packing district.
Omg. That place is beautiful. It has amazing food, and desserts.
The only thing we didn't like were the stairs...having to go up and down a bunch of times with our kid in the stroller haha.

Emmitts lucky, his Dad has strong arms to get him by, up the stairs, or down.

Yeah...his Dad is my favorite.

If I tell him to do something for me, he will do it, kindly...

and I've realized, he hasn't said the word " No" to me..

it's always, " sure" or " of course babe" or "yeah"

....I have said no to him though. When he asks for a foot massage....
I say no when I want him to play with Emmitt instead of sleeping
because he usually sleeps while I give him a foot massage aha..

or if I have a cut on one of my fingers, or if my arm is sore, I'll also say no.

His response is..."but whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!" with his croaky voice.

One of his thoughtful gifts I had given him, was a foot massaging cream. I bought it for him because he didn't have anymore:] and because I knew he would be happy...AND most importantly...because I've been saying No to him more than a yess...so it was to show him that it's a yes, as long as the cream is there.

Since I had bought him the foot cream....I would ask him
IN ADVANCE, " Hey, foot massage? take it or leave it, but right now I will do it for you"

.....and he would TOTALLY FORGET haha!!

Yeah....he's missed a lot of them because he forgets.

He was like, "but babe! You're supposed to remind me!"

and I laughed and told him that his feet obviously don't hurt the same way as they used too, because he couldn't bare the pain, and would constantly remind me, OVER AND OVER, until it was done.




Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Baby died at the dentist under anethesia. ( youtube video)





......Um....why would a baby so young...have to go to the dentist anyway?
Is my " I'm  a new mom' question.

Watching this video has me terrified.
Anything can happen...



Sunday, September 11, 2016

Saturday, September 10, 2016

Banks- Fuck with myself

soul






Bebe Rexha- i dont wanna grow up

first time i saw a porn magazine

When I had gone to the doctors appointment to get my depo-shot for No more babies!! haha..

the nurse made me nervous when she said,

" okay, It's time for your pap-smear test soon, so you will need to make an appointment, okay?"

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! :O


I don't like people looking at my vagina! It's mine! :(

I already felt ...damn? I forgot the word...haha...OMG! what's the word!?!

.....I think it starts with a T? wait- did it start with a t?

It's where you feel really humiliated.....OMG!...I remember....VIOLATED.!

I felt extremely violated of my private areas....

I'm like...really personal....you can say...about my body.

Sometimes I guess....I wish I could expose more of my body without caring....

My sister does it too confidently. Actually really confidently! I think it's really cool, but also

the person that I am,.....I think it's also not cool at the same time.

She went to Vegas this weekend:] how fun...I've never been...but I hear stories about it...

She wore a dress that showed a lot of side boob...her sides...and HOLY SHIT. I kid you not.
If she bent down just a little...you would see her whole ass...haha...

I was like, " wow liz! omg put some tights on......you're butts going to show! please tell me you have underwear on"

" NOPE!"

" Dude! I can't believe you...."

Then a few minutes later she sits on the couch....haha and I'm like,

" yuck! you're butts touching the couch!!!! GET OFF!"


Well...she didn't haha....but.....Liz is Liz....

I'm happy for her, that she doesn't care if her ass shows....

but I mean...

Men are Savages.....like most of them.....

I would feel really embarrassed to wear the dress that she did.
I don't like when men stare at me.... they do like this rape look, with their eyes....

Why would she want that?haha....

I think my sister could look just as sexy, in fact, even sexier wearing some nice
pants with a tucked in shirt, and some rockin' heels....really voluminous hair...and
some great makeup...some perfume...WABAM! super hot...with clothes on, yah feel?

But......that's in a conservative girls perspective. so I don't know...

I think the ultimatum to looking SEXY is making sure you're makeup is on perfecto!
and the hair! make you're hair presentable...and
literally...whatever you wear will look nice!


I like pants.
I'm not even a heels kind of girl....I like chanclas....but....that's only
because my ankles are really sensitive and start hurting...then they get blisters from the heel :/

OMG you wanna hear something like weird? ( in purple below...I got carried away...ha)

So guys....you know how guys like porn stuff?

Ew! why do guys like porn!? ( I'm skipping the part where I was supposed to tell you something weird because I jump to conclusions really fast! sorry! I will explain later-promise)

If I get a porn pop up when I try to watch movies on putlocker...I feel like I sinned
super bad just having a peek at a body part. HA....Do any of you feel the same?

I feel like looking at porn is super bad......
And I also don't think porn is good for the brain....

I feel like it makes guys more hornier...in  a bad way. Like in a perverted way.

Women should be treated with respect...and if y'all agree...
then why aren't you respecting the women who are in porn.
Stop looking at their boobs...and vagina....

She's someones daughter...wife...or Mother...

And....maybe now i'm going to sound even more old school.. haha

but I think if you have a wife or girlfriend...then HOLY JEEZ! that's cheating.

That's super disrespectful to you're wife/girlfriend.

Now, the guy might say it's not cheating because it's just porn....

but.....

okay, let me explain to you in this kind of way...

If you're wife or girlfriend had a dick picture on their text messages from a guy...

is that cheating for you?...the answer should be yes!. She's looking at someone else's
private parts....

She should only be looking at yours.

You're first answer to her would be, " what is this?!" or..." why do you have this picture, who sent it to you?"

You're not going to applaud her....

But...in that scenario it was a text message...meaning from someone she knew...

but....why should it only be cheating, if it's a picture from someone that they know?

...... JAAAH FEELS!??????????? say yes with meh!

Why, in our minds.....is that okay? It doesn't make sense.

When I was little...I remember seeing a porn magazine in the bathroom when I had gone in.
I was in the second grade.
It was hidden behind the basket of dirty clothes.....

I always knew my dad had truck magazines.....but I was mortified when I saw a porn magazine.
The vision of my Dad changed.....
Well...for ONE....I started seeing my dad differently, in the sense that I felt that every girl
he looked at, was now a sex object....
TWO....I cried and felt that my Dad wasn't my dad anymore...
THREE....I was angry at him....because I felt that he was cheating on my Mom...that he was betraying her...and looking at other women...Women he didn't even know!!! My mom was the world to me!!!! she was the most precious thing!!!! and I felt that he was blind for not seeing that....because he was looking at other women.
FOUR....I hated those women on the porn magazines...it felt that they were ruining family's...like...my family....they were making my dad different...
FIVE....it made me think differently about myself....It was like a whole new world just changed so fast in my eyes.....it was now a world where I had to be pretty enough...for my future husband not to cheat on me...and look at other women...to hide a porn magazine in the house from me to look at other women.
I was so young...and I was already prepping myself....I then started to slowly get some self-esteem issues....My ribs always stood out....and every night....I would punch them back in while I lay in my bed...the more it hurt that I punched my ribs in....I thought I was closer to being skinny...like in the magazines.
SIX....was my Mom not enough for him??''' my thought seeing the magazine with my eyes... I had thought my mom was more than enough for him....he was lucky to have her....so that, in my mind, equaled, that....no matter how good of a wife you are to your husband....he will deceive you....and his children.....because pleasure was more to a man....
SEVEN......I didn't like wearing shorts around my dad after that......and AGAIN! I was so young to start thinking So weird ALREADY!...it made me feel grossed out by my dad...
I was scared that he would see me as a sex object....and that's so gross because he's my dad...but I really didn't feel comfortable around him. I remember he asked for a hug...and opened his arms wide, as he kneeled...and he said, " Come here fatso, give me a hug"
And I started weeping with tears and said, "no".....he was getting angry that I refused to give him a hug.....but eventually....I had too....because he said he will hit me with the belt if I didn't hug him.... when he embraced me....I could feel my warm tears rolling down my tears...and onto his arms they fell...he grabbed my shoulders, and said,
" Why are you crying?!"....I never told him why....but I knew why....because he felt like
a pervert guy to me....and I was scared....AND No....my dad never in his life touched me.
My dad wasn't like that...
I remember in my 5th birthday...or my 6th...I'm not sure ...but I know I was wearing
light pink....and my mom never threw me birthday parties...but I was really excited because
she did! She invited the neighbors...and I remember it was getting late...and everyone was drinking....I was so sleepy....I wanted everyone to leave the house so I can sleep...but I wouldn't dare let my eyes close because there were men in the house....

I remember saying to myself....'don't close your eyes...because if you sleep, the men will touch you "

.....I told my mom if I sleep, if she could stay near me as I slept...
she thought it was kind of silly....she tried comforting me, saying, " it's okay, just sleep, nothing will happen to you"
but......I couldn't trust her words....

I couldn't stop envisioning the men taking my pants off..... or putting
their hands in my shirt....touching me where they are not supposed too...


.....So when this moment came back to mind only a few days ago..
I was thinking....Holy shit....that's a fucked up thing for someone who hasn't even passed
onto the third grade to think? I was extremely paranoid of men...
Like SUPER PARANOID!!!!.
I was like....omg?! WAS I RAPED OR TOUCHED BEFORE?! Why was I so paranoid for?!?!
But no....I couldn't re-collect ever being touched...
The only harsh moment I could think of, was when my baby-sitters son,
threw me on the bed, and he was so heavy, I couldn't get him off of me...
I started to scream for his sisters help...she was in the room! she was seeing what her brother was doing to me! but she went back to painting her stupid nails red!!!!
He was dry humping me..and started kissing my neck....and saying
" oh yeah! oh yeah!!!!" and he tried kissing into my mouth, but I kept shaking my head,
and trying to shake him off of me...
I screamed my lungs out, and then his sister told him to get off of me....but I think she only
told him to stop, because she knew their Mom would come in....
It was like she wanted her brother to do something to me...

It was scary.....
I cried to My mom and told her I didn't want to go there anymore...
I was too scared to tell her what happened....
And in some weird way......I kind of blamed my parents....that it happened to me...
because they weren't taking care of us....that they had to work...
that we were in the hands of strangers.... I had some kind of grudge over my parents...
Parents are the symbol of protectors...but I was thinking....'where are they? when I need them?"

......I obviously didn't understand that is was a necessity for my parents to work....
I didn't understand that bills needed to get paid....
I just wanted them to be with us....taking care of us...it felt that it was their necessity as a parent to be with us more.....because....then why would they bring us into this world if they cant take care of us?....why did we have to be thrown to strangers.....it never felt
like a warm invite....I always wanted to go home.

Our baby-sitters always had older kids...and one time...another one of our baby-siiters...had this daughter...well, she had two. I remember they both liked to dance like Shakira...
especially the fat one. Both the sisters also really loved hot-Cheetos...they always had their fingers red from eating them so often...and their lips too...

I really don't remember how it started...but I remember she locked me
in the room  as her fat sister would bang on the door, " let me in!"

she said..." Tell me everything you saw"

She knew My dad had dirty magazines...how did she know I saw?
I don't remember.....could have been my sister or my brother who told her...
because they saw it too...

" Saw what?" I told her....I was pretending to act dumb....I was getting
nervous....my arms we getting sweaty...and I couldn't  keep my fingers still...as they
were ripping the hole in my jeans larger....trying to keep busy...trying to keep
my mind occupied... I didn't want to remember anymore...

" They told me you saw!" then she whispered..." you know' the  naked magazine"

Her sister banged and banged at the door....

" well" she said, " I'm not going to let you out until you tell me EVERY-THING you saw...like everything"

.....I was scared...she was kind of crazy...and much older than I....

"....okay...like..what do you want to know?" I nervously replied...

I remember wishing her fat sister would break down the door...or that liz or my brother
would eventually ask about why I went missing? so that they could get me out of the room I was in....

I felt like I was being used....for something I didn't want to remember...

I had to tell the girl I saw boobs...and then she would ask about the size, or how they looked...

if I didn't give her an answer...she would say I wouldn't get out the room...she would
say...just tell! just try to describe it!

I would say stuff like..." oh I don't know...they looked big like melons.."

and I was confused that she asked me so many questions...because the whole
time it felt that she ALREADY KNEW!
 she knew things....that I only knew because of pictures...like pubic hair.

She would say.." did she have hair down there!?"...I was surprised she even knew about that....then
I would have to respond...and describe in detail! the color...how long...
how they were positioned...
she would twist my hand giving me an indian burn if I didn't answer in detail.



........she let me out the room because her Mom said to unlock the door...
and I remember feeling grosser than ever...having to give her explicit detail
or else I would never come out the room...
It felt worse than actually looking at the pictures...
I felt like I was somehow molested?...I was like in 2nd grade...and she was like
a 6th  or 7th grader...
I just knew, whatever happened in that room...wasn't good....

Holy shit. My childhood was fucked up....



OMG!!!!! back to what I was ORIGINALLY SUPPOSED TO SAY!
Sorry...I was really caught off guard, talking about other random things.

So anyway, back to the weird story,,,
about naked pictures.

So I guess my Dads friend had given him a naked girls calendar...
but my dad said he didn't want it..and gave it to my Uncle instead.

I wasn't a kid anymore...I was like...22? and my parents weren't married anymore FYI...

my uncle goes up to my dad and goes, " WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CRAP!?" in Spanish...

so I was thinking..." YAY! finally a man thinks naked girl pictures are disrespectful. He doesn't like naked girls pictures...he thinks their gross!"

My dad goes..." what!? I thought you would like it...you don't like it !?"

My  uncles goes... " NO! I like them with clothes on!"

So I'm thinking...." yes! all about respect-- hallelujah."

but he continues..." I like them with clothes on...so I can envision myself slowly taking their clothes off! How am I suppose to get pleasure when their naked?! what's their to imagine, if they're already showing everything"

.......Ew gross!.

I had HOPE....and just like that...it was lost...

ha.




what it feels like, to be a Mom....a stay at home Mom.


.......When I was little...my cousins and I would dream of our future...we'd wonder to the stars, of what it would be like...


One of them, was definitely not being a stay at home Mom....

My dad would threaten my Mom, with his status....and reminding her of her own...

" Remember who's house you're living in! I work, this is my house!"

" If you don't like it, then get the fuck out of my house!"

" Yo mando chingada Madre!! remember who you are fucking speaking to!"

" Without me, you are nothing and will be out in the streets!"

...........

I mean, Alberto and I haven't moved out yet....but I'm really crossing my fingers that
I can get My mom To be Emmitts sitter so I can start working...

I'm hoping that I get a stable job so when we do move out together...i'll feel fine.



I'm sure i'll be depressed moving out with him if i'm not working, although it should be a happy moment.I don't want to get those threats I've heard my Dad tell my mom growing up.
And....I want to feel happy when I do move out with him...and Emmitt...
I want to feel like I deserve to enjoy our home...
But....when I close my eyes, and imagine moving out, I can't sense happiness...
I sense fear...and a lot of worrying....perhaps some unstableness...



I wont be able to work a lot of hours either way because of Emmitt....
His Dad will be working a lot....and will need a parent to be home with him most of the day...

Take him to school...get him ready...all that stuff...

I will probably have to find a job that will let me work around Emmitts school hours...
so I can pick him up,and take him home...make him and his Dad some food...

But...I don't know...aha....

It makes my eyes water just thinking about my small paycheck...

I don't want a small paycheck...

It makes me feel worthless kind of........

And...moving out as a family?....Maybe i'm old school....but I think I will always
feel worried about my relationship with him until we get married.
I feel like marriage is kind of a necessity when you have a family together....because
it's a promise for the family....I feel like it ties everything together.

I was crying to my sister a while ago when I was talking to her about moving out...
that I didn't feel ready, and that I was scared I wouldn't feel ready when its time.
I told her I was scared to move out with a guy I was only going to be boyfriend/girlfriend with...
because we have a kid....
He throws in the towel when things get rough......and.....I need him to be stronger than that..

I'm scared of liking us living together as a family to much....and then he take it all away....

That....he has the power to rip our family apart....

Such power, is scary.


But.....I thank God for everything...because things have been well....

We try to make the best of it, when we see eachother:]

And Emmitts favorite days are when we go out together as a family..haha....

I love them both so much..












Ellie Goulding- still falling for you




I'm still, always falling for him...haha

Sometimes when I look at him...I say to myself, " this guy likes me?!"....

I feel lucky. I am.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Arthas Destiny- Loreena McKennitt




Sounds like magic to me..


Color oops!

So I've been doing my research...

by the way, I oiled my hair last night and it looks the same...I'm sure it will take MANY tries.

and it seems that Color Oops, will do the job faster :]

Some lady went from red henna...back to her normal blonde.

She left it on for 3 hours~! instead of 20 minutes ( what the box recommends)..

And she said she rinsed her hair for a full 30 minutes in the shower

The only problem was, she said, she stunk for a month -____-

Have you ever used color oops?

YES it smells! my sister used it on her hair once, and the whole house smelled

like rotten eggs! it smells like a nasty fart...

So....I might smell like a fart for a whole month :O!!!

haaha....

Well I hope not. I hope she was exaggerating.


Monday, September 5, 2016

Going to try oiling my hair to strip off the henna from my hair

I had Henna'd my hair black..

it almost looks like a really really, dark brown now.

But, my hair has been growing, and from my scalp I look a bit bald..haha

The perks of having light hair....when you are trying to go darker.

So, I've decided, that I will be oiling my hair to strip off as much as the henna, I could possibly.

I think it's best....I don't think I'd want to smell like henna/indigo every month...

I don't like that smell. It stays on the scalp for a long while, no matter how many times
you wash your hair, or how hard you scrub your scalp.

I've heard oiling the hair is good for taking off the color...let's see how that goes.

I hope I can get back to my natural color.

I don't like it very much though haha.....I will always fond darker hair for myself...

but...

at least i'll looked shinier under the sun with my light brown color.

I've noticed my hair doesn't shine as much, with this dark color.

My hair was more vibrant....








Saturday, September 3, 2016

LACF 2016! Emmitts day

September 3, 2016.

Emmitts first day at the fair!

(:

Foods we tried this year, were

the Yummy BBQ ribs!

Crawfish!

cinnabon sundae!

 some fire hot stuffed chili...something like that? I forgot the name...but I really didn't like them.haha

yeah & we also tried the coconut water...that was good too.

We played some games! it was funny...one of the balls bounced back to me when I had accidentally hit the edge ...

We didn't win any Big prizes, but we at least won three small prizes:]

Emmitt has been playing with the small prizes so far...he likes them.

We also got Emmitt a cool glowy stick...he likes that too.!

Last year, Emmitt was in my belly....this year he is 10 months going to the fair...and

next year he will be 20 months:] so that's a year and 8 months:]!

I'm sure he'd be able to point at what foods he'd like to eat next year:]

I'm excited!

I completely forgot my camera....I misplaced it somewhere.
I have to find it aha...
so his Daddy has all the pics.

I took pictures of Emmitt on his phone, and one selfie
of his Dad and I. That was it.

I would have taken a bunch with my camera.